This past weekend I had brunch with a new friend, Jen, and I haven’t stopped thinking about a term she used: ROEI. Return on Emotional Investment.

We originally bonded over the fact that we both have Korean moms and American dads who served in the military. Then we found out we share the same birthday—including the year. 🤯

We shared experiences of being in places where we didn’t feel “enough” or accepted.

Not Korean enough when walking into a Korean grocery store.
Not white enough to avoid the, “But where are you really from?” question. (Um, California?)

Not thin enough to match society’s version of “healthy.”

Not accommodating enough when we dared to set a boundary.

That led us to emotional labor: how much invisible effort goes into trying to make others comfortable. And that’s where ROEI came in.

It made me think about all the stories I’ve heard from my clients about over-giving in situations because they thought they “should,” but it just left them feeling empty.

For example, I’m happy to give time and energy to a close friend, someone I’m mentoring, or a cause I believe in. But a LinkedIn stranger who wants to “pick my brain” is not where I’m spending my reserves.

You don’t owe equal energy to every person.

There are besties, close friends, work friends, acquaintances, neighbors…you get to choose the level of access and energy you give.

Ask yourself:

• Do you feel nourished or drained after your interactions?
• Are you always the one initiating or giving, while getting little in return? How does that make you feel?
• Is this effort aligned with your future best self—or are you defaulting to old patterns?

We don’t need to keep score, but just notice how you feel about the energy exchange.

The same goes for work. Are you being valued? Seen? Compensated appropriately? Given opportunities to learn and grow? If not, what’s the ROEI?

You’re allowed to shift your energy—even if it made sense at one point. Even if they’re nice people. Even if it’s been that way for years.

I’d encourage you to take 5 minutes today to choose even one place (a friendship, your job) to see where your emotional energy is going and decide if the ROEI makes sense.

Some things were right for who you were—not who you’re becoming.